Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Hey Could You...

As a brief personal update, things have been going alright for me.  I participated in a very enjoyable beta test for the game Guild Wars 2, and I've been enjoying playing Diablo III.  I've also had some fun playing the XBox 360 version of Minecraft (you can see some of my musings on the game here).  I've been finding that I'm still experience some anger over some things that happened a few months ago.  I feel frustrated when people ask me about dating or when family ask me about girls I know.  I still have feelings of being misunderstood.  I have been experiencing some loneliness, but it's not nearly as intense as it has been in the past.  I had an excellent birthday party with parents and friends.  We played a lot of Magic.  It was a blast.  And oddly, the song from this post keeps running through my head.

Also, I've been become more keenly aware of how often I find myself "checking out" the men around me.  I feel an odd mixture of disgust and fear about it.  Sometimes I'm able to tell myself "Hey, this is a co-worker, you shouldn't be looking at them like that!".  Other times I feel ashamed about it, and I'm afraid that the person will know what I'm doing.  Part of the reason is that I somehow want to connect with the other man.  I want to feel his equal, or I want his affection/attention/love.  I try to tell myself that "I am a man too".  I've found that the idea that I am "less than" a man has crept back into my thoughts and it definitely is influencing my behavior.

So, I don't think I've touched on this topic before, but I have a deep fear of being asked to do things.  I recently received a new calling to teach in my Elder's Quorum on the second Sunday's.  I was terrified to accept.  When I did it, the experience was very enjoyable.  Many times I've been asked to speak in church, and I've always been terrified.  Although I shake like crazy when I do it, most of the talks come out alright.  I've been asked to participate in a number of other blogs, and I always feel that fear of 'Will I do a good enough job?' or 'Will people like me?'.   Yesterday, a member of the bishopric called me up and asked me to speak this Sunday in church.  Immediately, my mind raced about how unworthy I was and my body broke out into a cold sweat.  After a few moments of brain lock, my mind finally started working and I said yes.  I've been dreading the speaking assignment ever since (it hasn't even been 24 hours!).  I guess I suffer from performance anxiety.  I feel like I have to do an excellent job at what I do.  Or I just don't like that many people watching me at once.

Oh well, I'll survive.


  1. Shame and fear - those are the mind killers.

    Don't be ashamed of your attractions. They're natural, and they happen to everyone no matter what the orientation. Its just part of being a human. The trick is to move on.

  2. ooh what kind of magic deck do you like to use :B

  3. My favorites to play with are five-color decks. Although my blue/black zombie deck is one of my favorites.

  4. You are not less of a man because you feel this way. Dont you dare put youself down! Not with me as your friend! I dont know how it feels to have same sex attraction and im not going to tell you I understand your pain because I dont understand but what I do know is that you need to accept that you do have those feels and like the other guy said you need to move on. Dont put yourself down over it. I may not be the right person to give advice because im very liberal thinking when it comes to same sex attraction but I do feel that you have to love yourself no matter what. Love yourself for your faults your stengths and your weakness and just everything about yourself. I feel that satan wants you to feel like you are less of man that you are nothing because he wants you to not be strong! You are strong and an amazing person! Being your friend has been a blessing believe it or not! You may not know this because I seem to fool people I guess but I struggle with my self image all the time I hated (and sometimes still hate how I look depending on what mood I am in) my body but I found myself at my lowest point and I didnt like that I lost my positiveness and my happiness that I was always getting complemented for. It took a long time but I accepted myself and although I dont always like what I see I was able to accept me for me and it was my turning point. Love who you are because andrew you are an amazing person and such a blessing of a friend. You have such a strength that inspires me! Be strong and accept that you are who you are and move on. (Easier said than done but it can be done :))

  5. Hi, I've been following your blog every now and then being I was once, somehow, where you are now.

    It seems to me that you are a fine young man who has a good relationship with God. You are a very loving person with a wonderful family and great friends. You are actively involved in your religious belonging and have healthy leisure engagements. And from this blog, I can see you write well and you're even a good looking guy. What I am trying to say is that you have been living up to being a good Christian, a good son, a good friend, and a well-rounded guy - and if anything, this makes up a true man.

    I believe that reality is authority, and looking at you and your life objectively from an unbiased point of view, I can say that you are NOT deficient in anyway. You are a complete and real man by nature of who you are - despite having same-sex attractions and regardless if it goes away or not. And yes, from this logical standpoint, it doesn't make sense for you to feel bad ever so often. Think about it.

    Hope to hear from you... - cedricbastion@yahoo.com from PCC egroup

  6. I don't pretend to know what you feel, but I know how I have felt, being caught between my LDS faith and my homosexual hormones. Despite this awkward dichotomy, I don't think it has defined my life, or even my overall emotional state. I don't know if I could give you good advice, but I read this interest post recently, which you might find interesting:


    If you ever need to talk, don't hesitate to get a hold of me. I don't know if I could help, but I can try to listen.