As a brief personal update, things have been going alright for me. I participated in a very enjoyable beta test for the game Guild Wars 2, and I've been enjoying playing Diablo III. I've also had some fun playing the XBox 360 version of Minecraft (you can see some of my musings on the game here). I've been finding that I'm still experience some anger over some things that happened a few months ago. I feel frustrated when people ask me about dating or when family ask me about girls I know. I still have feelings of being misunderstood. I have been experiencing some loneliness, but it's not nearly as intense as it has been in the past. I had an excellent birthday party with parents and friends. We played a lot of Magic. It was a blast. And oddly, the song from this post keeps running through my head.
Also, I've been become more keenly aware of how often I find myself "checking out" the men around me. I feel an odd mixture of disgust and fear about it. Sometimes I'm able to tell myself "Hey, this is a co-worker, you shouldn't be looking at them like that!". Other times I feel ashamed about it, and I'm afraid that the person will know what I'm doing. Part of the reason is that I somehow want to connect with the other man. I want to feel his equal, or I want his affection/attention/love. I try to tell myself that "I am a man too". I've found that the idea that I am "less than" a man has crept back into my thoughts and it definitely is influencing my behavior.
So, I don't think I've touched on this topic before, but I have a deep fear of being asked to do things. I recently received a new calling to teach in my Elder's Quorum on the second Sunday's. I was terrified to accept. When I did it, the experience was very enjoyable. Many times I've been asked to speak in church, and I've always been terrified. Although I shake like crazy when I do it, most of the talks come out alright. I've been asked to participate in a number of other blogs, and I always feel that fear of 'Will I do a good enough job?' or 'Will people like me?'. Yesterday, a member of the bishopric called me up and asked me to speak this Sunday in church. Immediately, my mind raced about how unworthy I was and my body broke out into a cold sweat. After a few moments of brain lock, my mind finally started working and I said yes. I've been dreading the speaking assignment ever since (it hasn't even been 24 hours!). I guess I suffer from performance anxiety. I feel like I have to do an excellent job at what I do. Or I just don't like that many people watching me at once.
Oh well, I'll survive.