Just as a disclaimer, this post is more referring to my thoughts. It isn't directed toward any one particular person. In fact, it's more directed toward many different people. Mostly, it's me just venting things that come on my mind that I feel like giving a voice.
If you only knew what went on inside my head. What if you knew that I was attracted to you? What if you knew that my eyes tended to wander to you? What if you knew that I liked how you look? What would you do? Would you shun me? Reject me? Be afraid and awkward around me? How I wish at times that I could just touch you and not feel uncomfortable about it, to reach out and connect and not accuse myself of acting on lust. You may never know how good it is to see you smile at me. You may never know how I felt that time you randomly came up and rubbed my shoulder, or patted me on the back. You may never know how enamored I became with you, or how secretly obsessed I became with you. If you did know, would you still act the same around me? What if you knew I wanted to hug you? Or that I enjoyed the feel of your arms around me?
If you only knew, how I felt with you around. How afraid I was because of the feelings I had for you. Or how little I cared for what you were saying, or even for you. How afraid I feel that you would found out how little I really cared for you. Or how sad I was that we couldn't connect. Or sometimes the wild fantasies I have with you in them. Or how many times I wondered what you looked like without a shirt on. Or how hesitant I am to spend time with you because of how attracted I feel for you. Or how many times I questioned if I was trying to be my friend because I liked you or because I "liked" you.
If you only knew how I felt the last time I saw you. The shock at seeing you, the grief, the fear, the rage. How I watched you to avoid you. How I felt the piercing anger of your glare. How distraught I felt afterward. How much seeing you remind me of my past and how manipulative I've been in the past and my fear that I continue to live and breathe the same lies that have cloaked from so early in my life.
If you only knew how misunderstood I felt, or the pain I've felt. Or how many times I've let my unrealistic expectations get dashed. Or how many times I haven't cared. Or how many times I've cried over you, or over me wanting to connect with you. Or how many times I've felt like shaking my fist at the heavens only to find the finger of blame to be pointing at me.
I don't know if I could ever explain in words how much it means when you contact me or talk to me. The little inside jokes. The ability to say and act how I feel is right. Understanding when I feel down. If you only knew how much more I wish I could spend time with you or talk to you.
If you only knew.
Thanks for reading!