Excited - Guild Wars 2!!

I realize I haven't posted in a long while.  Part of that is do the fact that I can't think of anything all that new or interesting to write about.  Another part is that I've been writing posts on two other blogs.  I participate in the Northern Lights blog and write once a week for the Mormon Geeks blog.  I highly recommend checking both of them out.

Something new with me is that I tried out hypnotherapy for the first time.  It's actually helped a great deal with my anxieties with life.

On the Mormon Geeks blog, I'm going to start writing up about my trip to GenCon 2012 about once a week.  I was really excited to go to GenCon, mostly because we would be finishing a play-by-email Dungeons and Dragons game that I've been playing in for over 3  years.  I felt a bit anxious about the trip, but everything went smoothly (despite my water bottle being taken away by the TSA people :'(  ).  Arguable the only unpleasant thing about the trip was all the people I found myself attracted to on the trip.

Today, I'm feeling really excited.  Guild Wars 2 is coming out next week!  I never really played the first Guild Wars until I participated in the Guild Wars 2 beta weekend and fell in love with the game.  Guild Wars took a little longer for me to fall in love with, but I've been playing it quite a bit in preparation for Guild Wars 2.  There are a number of unlockable items in Guild Wars 2 based on things done in Guild Wars.  So far, I've unlocked 10 of 30 of those items. (You can track my 'progress' here).

That aside, keep a lookout on Mormon Geeks on Tuesdays for my posts about my adventures at GenCon!

Also, if you are a Guild Wars 2 player, I'm going to be playing on the Henge of Denravi server.  See you all later!

Edited: Actually going to be playing on the Gate of Madness server.  Someone else I know might be on that one.

Edited again: I'm actually on the Yak's Bend server.  Turns out a community of LDS gamers is on there (http://www.mormonbattalion.cc)

Hey Could You...

As a brief personal update, things have been going alright for me.  I participated in a very enjoyable beta test for the game Guild Wars 2, and I've been enjoying playing Diablo III.  I've also had some fun playing the XBox 360 version of Minecraft (you can see some of my musings on the game here).  I've been finding that I'm still experience some anger over some things that happened a few months ago.  I feel frustrated when people ask me about dating or when family ask me about girls I know.  I still have feelings of being misunderstood.  I have been experiencing some loneliness, but it's not nearly as intense as it has been in the past.  I had an excellent birthday party with parents and friends.  We played a lot of Magic.  It was a blast.  And oddly, the song from this post keeps running through my head.

Also, I've been become more keenly aware of how often I find myself "checking out" the men around me.  I feel an odd mixture of disgust and fear about it.  Sometimes I'm able to tell myself "Hey, this is a co-worker, you shouldn't be looking at them like that!".  Other times I feel ashamed about it, and I'm afraid that the person will know what I'm doing.  Part of the reason is that I somehow want to connect with the other man.  I want to feel his equal, or I want his affection/attention/love.  I try to tell myself that "I am a man too".  I've found that the idea that I am "less than" a man has crept back into my thoughts and it definitely is influencing my behavior.

So, I don't think I've touched on this topic before, but I have a deep fear of being asked to do things.  I recently received a new calling to teach in my Elder's Quorum on the second Sunday's.  I was terrified to accept.  When I did it, the experience was very enjoyable.  Many times I've been asked to speak in church, and I've always been terrified.  Although I shake like crazy when I do it, most of the talks come out alright.  I've been asked to participate in a number of other blogs, and I always feel that fear of 'Will I do a good enough job?' or 'Will people like me?'.   Yesterday, a member of the bishopric called me up and asked me to speak this Sunday in church.  Immediately, my mind raced about how unworthy I was and my body broke out into a cold sweat.  After a few moments of brain lock, my mind finally started working and I said yes.  I've been dreading the speaking assignment ever since (it hasn't even been 24 hours!).  I guess I suffer from performance anxiety.  I feel like I have to do an excellent job at what I do.  Or I just don't like that many people watching me at once.

Oh well, I'll survive.

Music That Speaks To Me - Better Than A Hallelujah by Amy Grant

I was driving in this morning, and this song came to play on the radio.  Lately, I've been struggling a lot with my faith.  I've adopted a somewhat apathetic approach toward the church, partially because I've felt misunderstood in something.  I had made a risk, a misguided attempt to make things 'work' that fell outside of the lines of the gospel.  Many times when I've shared it, I felt like I didn't get a chance to fully explain what had been going on or why I did what  I did.

That aside, I've felt a lot of anger, rebelliousness, and bitterness.  I'm surprised that I still go to church each week sometimes.  I've actually felt a lot less stress about life and my attractions in general.  I don't know if that's related to my general sense of apathy toward the church.  On the other hand, I've felt a better sense of connection toward my ward.  I don't feel as much shame being around the other elder's in the quorum.  I'm really excited about a new calling that I have to teach in the Elder's Quorum.

This morning, I also had a strange dream.  I was at some kind of part or gathering.  A man was speaking.  I remember I found him somewhat attractive and that he was a straight (opposite gender attraction) person.  I remember him stating that he didn't mind touching and holding men.  I remember feeling very drawn to that.  Mostly because it was something that I've felt cravings for in the past.  Some kind of safe, nonsexual connection with another man.  In the dream, I never mustered up the courage to go ask the man if he would be willing to hold me.

This song is about those prayers that come from the bitter, broken, or hurt places of people's lives and hearts.  I think it's a beautiful song, reminding me that Heavenly Father loves to hear about my misery as well as my joy.  He wants to hear about my heartache and what makes my heart whole.  In short, He wants to hear everything I have to say to Him, because He loves me.

Lyrics:

God loves a lullaby 
In a mother's tears in the dead of night 
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes. 
God loves the drunkard's cry, 
The soldiers plea not to let him die 
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes. 


We pour out our miseries 
God just hears a melody 
Beautiful the mess we are 
The honest cries of breaking hearts 
Are better than a Hallelujah. 


The woman holding on for life, 
The dying man giving up the fight 
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes 
Tears of shame for what's been done, 
The silence when the words won't come 
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes. 


We pour out our miseries 
God just hears a melody 
Beautiful the mess we are 
The honest cries of breaking hearts 
Are better than a Hallelujah.


Better than a church bell ringing, 
Better than a choir singing out, singing out.


We pour out our miseries 
God just hears a melody 
Beautiful the mess we are 
The honest cries of breaking hearts 
Are better than a Hallelujah.


We pour out our miseries 
God just hears a melody 
Beautiful the mess we are 
The honest cries of breaking hearts 
Are better than a Hallelujah.


Better than a Hallelujah sometimes
Better than a Hallelujah
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes
[From http://www.klove.com/music/artists/amy-grant/songs/better-than-a-hallelujah-lyrics.aspx]

If You Only Knew

Just as a disclaimer, this post is more referring to my thoughts.  It isn't directed toward any one particular person.  In fact, it's more directed toward many different people.  Mostly, it's me just venting things that come on my mind that I feel like giving a voice.

****

If you only knew what went on inside my head.  What if you knew that I was attracted to you?  What if you knew that my eyes tended to wander to you?  What if you knew that I liked how you look?  What would you do?  Would you shun me? Reject me? Be afraid and awkward around me?  How I wish at times that I could just touch you and not feel uncomfortable about it, to reach out and connect and not accuse myself of acting on lust.  You may never know how good it is to see you smile at me.  You may never know how I felt that time you randomly came up and rubbed my shoulder, or patted me on the back.  You may never know how enamored I became with you, or how secretly obsessed I became with you.  If you did know, would you still act the same around me?  What if you knew I wanted to hug you?  Or that I enjoyed the feel of your arms around me?

If you only knew, how I felt with you around.  How afraid I was because of the feelings I had for you.  Or how little I cared for what you were saying, or even for you.  How afraid I feel that you would found out how little I really cared for you.  Or how sad I was that we couldn't connect.  Or sometimes the wild fantasies I have with you in them.  Or how many times I wondered what you looked like without a shirt on.  Or how hesitant I am to spend time with you because of how attracted I feel for you.  Or how many times I questioned if I was trying to be my friend because I liked you or because I "liked" you.

If you only knew how I felt the last time I saw you.  The shock at seeing you, the grief, the fear, the rage.  How I watched you to avoid you.  How I felt the piercing anger of your glare.  How distraught I felt afterward.  How much seeing you remind me of my past and how manipulative I've been in the past and my fear that I continue to live and breathe the same lies that have cloaked from so early in my life.

If you only knew how misunderstood I felt, or the pain I've felt.  Or how many times I've let my unrealistic expectations get dashed.  Or how many times I haven't cared.  Or how many times I've cried over you, or over me wanting to connect with you.  Or how many times I've felt like shaking my fist at the heavens only to find the finger of blame to be pointing at me.

I don't know if I could ever explain in words how much it means when you contact me or talk to me.  The little inside jokes.  The ability to say and act how I feel is right.  Understanding when I feel down.  If you only knew how much more I wish I could spend time with you or talk to you.

If you only knew.

****

Thanks for reading!

Music That I Like - Alive by Natalie Grant

It's been awhile since I've posted on here.  Having a second blog to post on (Mormon Geeks) has been sapping some of my writing creativity.  I'm going to share another song that I like.  Interestingly enough, I also heard this song first on K-LOVE, probably one of my favorite music radio stations.  The song for today's post is called 'Alive'.  The song comes from an album where the artist was portraying scenes from scriptures from the character's perspective.  This song is from the perspective of Mary Magdalene, when she first sees the risen Savior.  The song has a lot of power and energy to it.  It helps capture the feeling of joy and triumph that  knowledge of the resurrection brings as well as the miracle of the atonement.

Enjoy!



Lyrics:

Who but You
Could breathe and leave a trail of galaxies
And dream of me?
What kind of Love
Is writing my story until the end
With Mercy's pen?
Only You
What kind of king
Would choose to wear a crown that bleeds and scars
To win my heart?
What kind of Love
Tells me I'm the reason He can't stay
Inside the grave?
You. Is it You?
Standing here before my eyes
Every part of my heart cries

(Chorus)
Alive! Alive!
Look what Mercy's overcome
Death has lost and Love has won
Alive! Alive! Hallelujah, Risen Lord
The only One I fall before
I am His because He is alive.

Who could speak
And send the demons back from where they came
With just one Name?
What other heart
Would let itself be broken every time until He healed mine?
You. Only You
Could turn my darkness into dawn
Running right into Your arms

Chorus

Emmanuel, the promised King
The baby who made angels sing
Son of Man who walked with us
Healing, breathing in our dust
The author of all history
The answer to all mysteries
The Lamb of God who rolled away
The stone in front of every grave

Alive! Alive! Look what Mercy's overcome
Death has lost and Love has won
Alive! I am His because He is alive.
Alive!
(From http://www.klove.com/music/artists/natalie-grant/songs/alive-lyrics.aspx)

Music That I Like - Blessings by Laura Story

I haven't posted in awhile.  My depression seems to have flared up and it's hard to feel anything.  I've been able to focus more and work the last few days.  Yesterday, I felt myself being mired in bitterness and in resentment.  Resentment toward God and toward me having same gender attraction.  Resentment that my society considers any kind of emotionally intimated relationship between men to be sexual.  The list could go on and on.  I feel a lack of male connection in my life.  I've definitely been isolating, mostly out of habit.  My therapist gave me an 'assignment' to take initiative to do something with a friend at least once a week.  I'm going to see how that goes.

Anyways, the song from today really speaks to me.  Many times, I've found myself 'crying in anger' at God and the world around me, and felt consumed by the hurt and bitterness that I have.  This song somehow touches me, and lets me know that God will find a way to use all my experiences to draw me to Him in love.  Somehow, this song can bypass the bitterness and the depression, and let me feel the longing I have for a connection with God.

Enjoy!



Lyrics:


We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?

What if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

And all the while You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?

And what if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?

When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst
This world can't satisfy?

And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise?
[Taken from: http://www.songlyrics.com/laura-story/blessings-lyrics/]

Music That Speaks To My Faith - Praise You In This Storm

Just this week, I had a meeting with my bishop where I had my temple recommend temporarily taken away from me.  After leaving his office, I was an emotional wreck. I was overcome with sadness, frustration, anger, and numbness.  After breathing and driving around, I felt myself come back down to earth, still feeling hurt and like an injustice had been done.  Later that evening, I drove to a friends house.  As I was nearing his house, I heard the song "Praise You In This Storm" by Casting Crowns come on the radio.  It was exactly what I needed to hear.



Lyrics:

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

[Chorus:]
And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

[Chorus]

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

[Chorus x2]
[Taken from http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/castingcrowns/praiseyouinthisstorm.html] 

This song is beautiful.  I feel like I'm caught in the middle of a storm right now.  Even then, God is on my side.  No matter where I go, or what I do, He continues to be by my side and fight for my soul's salvation.  I had the thought that even if I spend my whole life trying to conform and live up to the church's standards, I can still end up in the celestial kingdom.  It's Heavenly Father who decides where I am able to go, not any one mortal.

This song brings me a lot of comfort.  Even if the storm is of my own making or simply the troubles of life, Heavenly Father is still with me, still loves me, and still advocates the purest of causes for me.  Heavenly Father is the one who gives and takes away.  I feel like He gave me the temple recommend.  Perhaps it was His time to take it away.  I feel like He's given me many great friends, and I feel like He's taken them away.  If I lift my hands to praise Him, and express my gratitude for His blessings, I believe I can find more peace and less bitterness in life.